Greetings from you know where and you know who to wherever and who ever you are right now …
Just noticed the mirror image of 48 and 84 … not that its important.
A lot going on today. When they say two steps forward and one step back, you are making progress and expecting some set backs. Progress is never straight forward. So you do something and end up having to redo it, it’s still getting done.
I keep mentioning that in the midst of being sick and going through treatment, we are still settling i, and working on the house. The discovery process always means that it’s a constant pattern of finding something new that you weren’t looking for. Yet, its these times that we tend to see our real character and find that our real character is really human and that is always humbling.
Things accumulate. Disappointment enters when things don’t match our expectations and according to Mr. Murphy, nothing will ever go smoothly and meet our expectations. In the mix is our own personal moments of melt down. I am usually the one who gives pep talks and reminds people what it’s all about. I am the strong one everyone turns to when times are rough because they know I can handle it. And, I am usually in a good place so that I can do that for others. I get that when things are going well that people don’t always want me around. they feel no need to include me. I am that one in reserve, in the darkness, who will be there as a supportive stabilizing element (or even a rescuer), but don’t really have the social graces for partying anymore. And I actually like that position, because in the end, how we show up for each other when the chips are down is all that really matters. It’s easy to be there when there is nothing to deal with. It’s much harder when the stuff hits the fan and life is a mess. But, that’s where I am often most comfortable.
So that’s my baseline, but sometimes (just sometimes) I need someone to be there for me too. Someone to remind me what it’s all about and what’s important. That would be m’lady, m’bride, my Pam.
One of my favorite movie scene comes from the old Rocky III. It’s not the fight scenes in the boxing ring. I realize the real fighting is within ourselves and in private. Every once in a while we meet someone and have the courage to let them in that part of our world. So, Rocky is training up to fight Mr. T. Apollo is training him. Running down the beach Rocky stops and stares off. Everyone says it’s over, all but Adrian. (notice that in all the Rocky movies, the turning point was Adrian) She gets in his face about the truth, because when it’s all over it’s just the two of them and they can live with the truth but they cannot live with the fears. Rocky finally admits that because they can handle it together, he returns to training with her blessing (not permission). We all need someone in our corner. Rocky asked where she got so tough and she says she lives with a fighter.
My wife lives with a fighter. Right now the fight is within me. The fight is the accumulative cause and effect consequences of the mileage of my life. The fight (for 10 years) is with a virus (Hepatitis C). The fight is (for 7 weeks) the medication (Harvoni). The fight is not knowing if I will clear the virus, be cured (that sounds weird) of the disease, and to actually feel good some day.
Years ago, when both parents died within two years of each other, my brother and I did not know the medical conditions/diseases they faced. I decided that I needed to be more open about my health so no one will be surprised. Little did I know that I was about to be given something to let people know about. Being honest with everyone in my life about my Hepatitis has been very humbling. But, if want people to be honest with me, I need to be honest with them. I have the deepest respect for people who are very human and you see where they are strong and where they are not so invincible. (Nobody does what I have done without some illusions of being invincible because (even from my mother on her death bed) I am still alive despite myself.
So I had a moment of doubt and disappointment and shared it with my wife. She listened and then told me what she knows I have told so many people so many different times. No matter what happens with the house and no matter what happens with the disease/treatment – we are going to be alright.
I went to Aikido. I went to work. We shared pizza with the family for dinner.
Whatever it is, it’s alright. (It’s just not the way I want it to be right now.)
Yoooo … Pamela … Remember Please Forever I Love You …
Love and pride, strength and honor …